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Within me I was carrying a tattered, bleeding soul that did not want me to carry it, yet I could find no place to lay it down. Not in pleasant countryside did it find rest, nor in shows and songs, nor in sweet-scented gardens, nor in elaborate feasts, nor in the pleasures of couch or bed, nor even in books and incantations. All things loured at me, even daylight itself, and everything that was not what he was seemed to me offensive and hateful, except for mourning and tears, in which alone I found some slight relief… I should have lifted it up to you, Lord, to be healed, but I was neither willing nor able to do so, especially because when I thought about you you did not seem to be anything solid or firm.*1*

Written by Saint Augustine in 397c.e. The Confessions autobiographically chronicles Augustine’s life as a series of confessions. Augustine’s confessions progresses in three roughly hewn chapters, first a successful and yet unfulfilled life, conversion, and ultimately the discipleship of others. Augustine confesses a life that seeks rest and comfort in creation by narrating the first chapter of his life as a series of confessions demonstrating his descent into worldly fulfillment. This descent into acedia*2* ―literally the care free life― ultimately culminates in a confession replete with language of spiritual and emotional depression. Close reflection on Augustine’s confession of acedia is not only descriptive but also prescriptive; describing very real emotions in the lives of many believers throughout the ages while also catechetically prescribing the way in which those believers can move forward into hope. The descriptive markers of acedic, emotional / spiritual depression, as well as the prescriptive move towards hope are made evident through closely attending to Augustine’s words in book four.

In the middle of the journey of my life, I found myself in a dark wood, for I had lost the right path.
~Dante Alighieri

Augustine begins book four describing himself to be in the, “flower of young manhood.”*3* Augustine has up to this point, confessed a childhood of selfishness, the lusts of adolescence, the useless robbing of a pear tree, lustful cohabitation with a woman, and the death of a close friend. These events occur many years before his conversion. While these events are not the immanent fulcrum for Augustine’s conversion they are nevertheless important as they demonstrate the descent to Augustine’s lowest point. Augustine articulates his lowest point in this passage and cadences it with words of pain such as, tattered, bleeding, loured, mourning and tears.*4* These words descriptively mark the state of abject pain Augustine felt. Thus, one reading of this passage understands Augustine to be demarcating a time of emotional pain similar to depression. In this way, Augustine’s words in book four outline the abject depths of misery of a life apart from God. Thus, this passage, and it’s evinced depression reflects one of the darkest, if not the darkest, period of Augustine’s life.

Augustine’s confession in this passage is not a purely emotional one. Augustine is clear that he has sought rest and healing everywhere but in a relationship with God. Indeed, Augustine writes, “Not in pleasant countryside did it find rest, nor in shows and songs, nor in sweet-scented gardens, nor in elaborate feasts, nor in the pleasures of couch or bed, nor even in books and incantations.”*5* These worldly forms of rest could not affect healing on his tattered bleeding soul. Augustine continues his confession by noting that, “everything that was not what [God] was seemed to me offensive and hateful.”*6* Written retrospectively, it is clear from this passage that Augustine realizes that he searched anywhere and everywhere that was not God for rest. Furthermore, Augustine confesses that he “should have lifted [his soul] up to you, Lord, to be healed, but I was neither willing nor able to do so.”*7* The confession that he was unwilling or unable to lift his soul to the Lord marks this passage as a confession not only of emotional depression but of acedia, or spiritual depression. Augustine’s acedia is made especially clear in his confession that, “when I thought about [God] you did not seem to be anything solid or firm.”*8* This additional marker of acedia is important for understanding the catechetical nature of Augustine’s Confessions as a whole. Indeed, without the confession of Augustine’s inability to take hold of God, the confessions have no point on which to pivot from what Augustine did to what God is doing. Thus, by this reading of this passage, the confession of acedia sits as a proleptic lens illuminating the right path leading to his conversion in Milan.

Hope has two beautiful children, anger and courage. Anger at the way things are, and courage to change them.
~St. Augustine.

By this reading, this passage is a turning point, whereby Augustine’s confessions shifts from ever increasingly burdensome confessions to those that bring him closer to conversion. Before the confession of acedia Augustine narrates a path away from God by his own actions. Faced with the depressing and angering reality of an unfulfilled life Augustine narrates, from this passage onward, a confessional vector leading towards God. Indeed, after his confession of acedia, Augustine confesses such things the loss of his common-law wife, the rejection of astrology, and the insufficiency of materialistic notions of God. This is in stark contrast to the selfishness, lust and theft of his pre-acedia confessions. Indeed, Augustine’s post acedia confessions are qualitatively different. Thus, the confession of acedia is a turning point for Augustine with subsequent confessions reflecting the first child of hope — anger, or dissatisfaction with the ways things are. For instance, the confession that materialistic notions of God are insufficient is fundamentally a confession both that Augustine’s understanding of God was insufficient, and that this insufficiency dissatisfied him.

The Confessions describes first Augustine’s his decent into acedia and secondly his dissatisfaction with the acedic life. Furthermore, the post acedic confessions demonstrate the courage it takes to both find the acedic life dissatisfying and to then do something about it. In writing The Confessions, Augustine demonstrates the discovery of hope, if only in retrospect, within the mire of depression and acedia. This prescriptive marker for discovering hope is crucial to The Confessions. It is crucial not only for telling the story of Augustine’s life and ultimate conversion, but also for catechumens and Christians throughout the ages who daily struggle with depression and acedia. By this reading of the passage, The Confessions can serve as a catechetical tool, demonstrating not only that pursuing worldly rest leads, at best, to depression and acedia, but also that hope, however hidden, is still present. Thus, hope is discovered in the darkest of woods and identified by her children: dissatisfaction and courage. Dissatisfaction at the tattered, bleeding state of one’s soul and the courage to confess, as Augustine did, that “I should have lifted it up to you, Lord, to be healed.”*9*

“I, too, Lord will confess to You in such a way that men may hear, though I cannot prove to them that my confession is true; yet those whose ears are opened to me by charity will believe me” 
~St. Augustine

The prescriptive markers of Augustine’s confession in book four are useful for more than catechetical work. Indeed, by this reading of the passage, The Confessions as a whole are useful for contemporary pastoral and psychological care of Christians suffering from depression and acedia. This is particularly true in relation to this passage. Augustine reminds Christians, in this passage, that the right path is one of confession. Thus, confession of one’s unwillingness or inability to give to God one’s tattered, bleeding soul is a confession leading to conversion and discipleship. Likewise, confession of one’s search for rest in the entertainment and beds of the world is a confession towards conversion. By confessing, one’s depression and acedia to God, Christians can begin to learn as Augustine did that God is present even when God cannot be firmly grasped. Above all, Augustine reminds Christians to discover, with dissatisfaction and courage, the hope present in life’s darkest forests. Armed with this hope, and the gift of Augustine’s own confessions of depression and acedia, Christians facing depression and acedia can read The Confessions to step, with dissatisfaction and courage, down the right path that leads to rest in God.
Works Cited

*1*Augustine, and Maria Boulding, The Confessions (Hyde Park, N.Y: New City Press, 1997), 61.

*2*While not necessarily important to this paper, the concept of acedia is outlined in much greater detail in the writings of Saint John Cassian. Particularly his treatise on the eight deadly sins, which can be found here:
http://www.thenazareneway.com/Institutes%20of%20John%20Cassian/book_10_the%20_spirit_of_accidie.htm

*3*Augustine, and Maria Boulding, The Confessions, 58.

*4*Augustine, and Maria Boulding, The Confessions, 61.

*5*Ibid.

*6*Ibid.

*7*Ibid.

*8*Ibid.

*9*Ibid.