praxistheologia.com

It’s that time of year again. When the trees, flowers, and shrubs of the world unite in a campaign of terror against the forces responsible for suburban sprawl. Someone less conspiratorial than I might just think the plants of the world were randy and engaging in wanton sexual practices whereby they spread their seed to the wind. My friends, do not be confused. The trees, flowers and shrubs are not fallen creatures participating in a world wide orgy. No, they are simply punishing us for our cars, roads and suburban sprawl. You see they know our weakness. They know at this time of year we escape the confining boundaries of buildings, clothing and classes into the great outdoors, into their realm. And let me share with you a new revelation. The trees of Durham are especially pissed off. The world is dusted with the fine yellow dust of their anger, the “worms” of their campaign and the victims of their reign of biological terrorism.

I surrender. You Trees can have the suburbs. I don’t want them. Just stop. Let me breathe. I beg you. This is my olive branch. My white flag. I just want to breathe. I’ve subjected myself to the chemical wiles of drug companies to no end. Just leave me alone!